I had done my research about the operation but then again not enough. I wanted that operation no matter what so my thought process was I know enough, I knew I was going to have rods going into my leg and the process would be for 3/4 months then they’d be removed and that I’d be hospitalized for that period of time. I didn’t feel the slightest bit of fear, I wanted it full stop. On the day of the appointment I cried through the whole check up not because I was scared but because I feared hearing no again, I did not want to hear a no this time. I had fully prepared myself it’s going to happen and I was 100% positive but on the day because of all the rejections over the years had my heart-broken. (one year after my operation I actually wrote a blog on this Believe in your vision at the time no one knew what kind of surgery I underwent or my story but now all of you know if you wanted to give it a read again) But of course this time was my time, finally. The doctor said yes to operating. I didn’t ask a single question. Not one. I was out the room into x-rays. I was then admitted my family couldn’t stay back with me, I had a private room.
Later that day I get called on the basement floor for measurements for the frame. As the lifts open to the basement floor I see a guy walking and I felt so happy, he had the frame to his leg (which I was seeing for the first time) and he was doing so good it had me feeling so positive I sat on the chair and just watched him smiling felt motivated, later he gets tired and sits down the physiotherapist starts bending his leg. Everything good I felt left my body within a second, I had never heard anyone scream in so much agony, anything I type to decribe the way he screamed would just not be able to sum it up. I started shaking sitting on that chair, my heart started beating faster the feeling in your throat when you want to cry I was holding in. Blood dripping from the rods in his leg, all of sudden this place had me feeling scared, uncomfortable and so lonely. I was looking around to find someone of my own, I wanted my dad there with me in my head I was saying dad I wish you was here with me still holding in my tears. I started thinking I’m going to be here for 4 months on my own (I had my operation abroad) part of me started giving up. The lift door opens and my doctor comes along with 3/4 members of staff I smile at him. He starts taking measurements and I just broke down like never before. I was being asked what’s wrong what’s happened and I said nothing. How could I tell them I feel scared for this operation, how could I say that when I wanted this all along. I just cried and cried, throughout the whole measurements I just cried, cried hard. Went back to my room and remained silent for a bit then thought I can do this, I’m prepared for this. I know my dream and I’m going to do all that I have to. Nothing ever changed my belief no matter how many doctors said no, I never stopped believing and now it’s happening. Everything changed again, within a few minutes I felt positive and happy again. I let go of all the negative thoughts, I made the decision there and then to let go and hold onto my grateful thoughts to hold on to my thoughts of I’ve finally done it. It’s happening. I never cried thinking about the operation again, nothing was going to stop me.
Letting go most of the time seems as if it’s easier said than done, but I disagree when your own thoughts or people start coming in the way of what you know is right for you you have to make that decision of letting go. It’s only hard when you’re in two minds yourself, if you’re not confident in what you believe or don’t see yourself worthy of it in the first place. Your every day is controlled by no one but your own decisions, you can change things around for yourself. You can change the way you feel from negative to positive it’s not just easier said than done.