ONE OF MANY HEARTBREAKS

This is part 2 to the START OF SHARING MY STORY

First of many heart breaks, oh how I finally get to speak about the times that are still very real in my heart and mind. Times of my life that I will never be able to forget, I shouldn’t either, the toughest times of my life but how beautifully strong they have made me as a person for that reason I’m very grateful for those times.

If you’re from the UK, England you’re aware of how long you have to wait for appointments, you’re in the queue for months. Oh, before continuing any further I’ll quickly make you all aware I had my first operation in London at the age of 8 years old, all that could have been done at that age, I had to wait till I turned 18 for any further operations. I was a very happy, bubbly kid or even teenager, very happy with life very positive and excited to turn 18 so I could get an operation and get all better, yes just like that, that’s what I believed.

Finally, the appointment letter came through, happiest day ever. I was so excited, not one negative thought crossed my mind. The day of the appointment came too, I was travelling to London by train with my mum. I thought this is the day my life was going to change ha-ha. I always act like my life is some kind of a movie. I remember taking a selfie looking out the window and posting it on Instagram with a positive caption. Throughout the journey I was looking out the window so happy imaging everything positive.

Again, I don’t want to bore you so will keep it very short in this blog too or at least try. Got there, had my x- rays scans and everything done. Then went and sat where the doctor was going to see me. Nurse calls my name and I smile and follow her with my mum. The doctor said hello to me, went over my history and previous operation. At this point I was thinking his about to say yes, this is the operation we will be doing and of course like the usual process I’ll receive the operation date through the post. How very wrong I was, the doctor said to me why do you want another operation? look at you, you’re all good, there’s nothing we can do to better your condition if things get difficult just get in touch again, I really don’t at this point have the heart to write out his every word, he felt heartless. He broke every dream, every thought that I had come with, within seconds. My mum’s first language isn’t English so she struggled to understand what was being said, I wore a smile on my face while listening to all of this, trying to communicate with him trying to say but my x-rays are in front of you, you can see what the problem is, you know I’m struggling on day to day basis, I don’t want to live like this. My mum looking at me smiling at me, thinking its all going well. The doctor says if any problems get in touch again (but hey there is a problem already that’s why I’m here) he leaves the room saying to the nurse please help Ramjot get dressed (I was in a gown). He left, and did I ball my eyes out, I have never in my life cried like I cried that day. My mum all of sudden stood up all shocked wondering what had happened. The nurse I knew had her entire heart in for me, she really tried to make me feel better but nothing was going to. I left the hospital crying, I remember being pissed off in general and not even communicating with mum properly. I still remember it being the windiest of days tears just rolling down hair sticking to my face everyone starring at me. I was in the train again, looking out the window but this time crying badly, I didn’t even move my hands to wipe my face. People sitting in front of me and on the side just looking at me, but for me they didn’t exist my tears just wasn’t in my control. I was in pieces. How it has me crying even now while typing just explains how much of a tough day it was for me or how I felt. My mum kept telling me to stop crying because everyone was looking but I wasn’t listening to her or even talking to her. I came home, I sat on the stairs to take my shoes off, and totally and completely broke down, crying out loud. Someone had just broken a dream I had believed in from the age of 8 to 18/19. I was a complete mess, refusing to eat and talk. For the first time in my life my family saw me cry and breakdown.

*pause*.

I just want to tell you, it’s okay. Whatever you may be going through, it’s temporary. You can choose to live in it day after day for months or even years, or you can decide to change it from this exact moment. You don’t even have to live it, how funny is that? Open your eyes and see it’s getting you nowhere, it’s not even making you happy it’s breaking you yet you’re the one whose holding on to it so tight. Forget what happened, or is happening, try to find the positives, one door might have closed go to the next one. You’re not alone, rant about your problems and be over and done with, sometimes that’s all we need to do. Even today when something pisses me off (very very rarely), normal situations I just rant it out to my best friend and before I can get a reply I’m already a changed person, all cool and calm like what’s wrong? Did I even say anything? Lol. If there’s no one you can rant it out to, remember me as the person you can message. My life is indeed a movie for me, and I’m the writer of it. I know what I want from this movie, I know what message I want to spread. I want you to be the writer of your life too, it is all in your control, it took me years to get where I am today with my health the journey has just started but it’s changing my life all those years were worth it. Don’t expect results straight away, they aren’t beneficial either may I add, what comes easy doesn’t last for long nor does it leave you with valuable lessons of life. Be about the experiences, they will make you into the most powerful, strong, beautiful and inspiring person. That’s who you really are.

Believe it or not, the next day I decided I wasn’t going to cry and I didn’t. What a load of rubbish I thought, I’m going to find a way, I will get better. The happy, bubbly and full of hope Ramjot was back. It was me who decided, no this is not my life this can’t be it, this is the journey to something very very beautiful and I tell you, IT REALLY IS.

img_8322Love
Ramjot
x

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